I'm not going to pretend that I have it all figured out. I made it up as I went and I got a lot of things wrong along the way, but if I could go back to the
beginning and tell myself some things that I didn't know 5 years ago, I definitely
would.
I would like to tell that new mother:
- Don't be afraid of the pain meds. Oxycodon and the others are addictive and yes, opioids have ruined a lot of lives, but... I needed them. A c-section is major surgery and you recover a lot faster if you can walk normally that first week. My surgeon told me to take as many drugs as I needed to in order to be able to walk normally, and I wish I had listened sooner. I took them for a couple weeks. It was necessary. I have no regrets.
- Take a laxative as soon as your catheter is removed. Seriously, girl, don't wait until they offer it, ask the nurse for one ASAP. You're going to need it.
- Whenever something comes up, it's tempting to Google it to
see what it might mean. Google isn't your best online resource. It's instagram. I
didn't have instagram when I became a mother, but now it is the single best
source of normalization and information on the internet. From something as
simple as #newmom to more specific and complicated things like #chronicpain
#introvertmom #postpartumhairloss #postpartumbody #perinatalmooddisorder or
#goodmomshavescarythoughts there is a mother lode (no pun intended) of
information on Instagram that new mothers can tap into. Instagram has better
information on perinatal mood disorders than any other source I've tried. ANY
OTHER SOURCE. That includes therapists, family doctors, midwives, OBGYNs,
psychiatrists, and the entirety of Google. I'm not saying you should turn to
Instagram instead of family, friends and doctors. Definitely not. But don't
underestimate what it has to offer.
- According to the good people at The Postpartum Stress Center 91% of new mothers experience something they call "scary thoughts"... which are stress based intrusive thoughts about bad things happening to the baby. It's your animal brain on high alert because you are in charge of a small, vulnerable creature and it's your biological imperative to protect those genes. It doesn't mean you're going crazy. It doesn't mean something bad is going to happen. It isn't a slippery slope. Get some sleep. You're totally normal.
- Negative emotions are not the same thing as negativity. Negativity is a kind of pessimism... always looking on the bad side of things. Negative emotions are very different. When something bad happens and you feel bad about it... that's just called the truth. Motherhood is one of the most extreme (possibly the MOST extreme) experiences ever. There are soaring highs and rock bottom lows. It's important to recognise and name both of those sides of motherhood. You don't have to be positive and sunny about terrible things. You don't have to be ok. You don't have to be "strong" when you feel like you're breaking apart. Telling it like it is - that's what makes you strong. Holding it inside will make you brittle.
- Feeding the baby is important. How you feed the baby isn’t. Breastfeeding versus bottle feeding is such a personal decision, so people really don't like to talk about it, but I so wish I had known that it doesn't have to be an either/or all-or-nothing scenario. I had midwives and they were really passionate about breastfeeding (and I was too... I thought it was the thing to do)... and they told me not to introduce a bottle or a soother, that it would cause nipple confusion. They told me not to use a pump. They told me a lot of things, that given my particular situation made no sense. The second time around, we fed the baby formula from a bottle during the night so I could sleep, and I breastfed during the day, for the first two weeks, and then I started pumping because babies are unreasonable little critters and I would often have one full breast before bed, and that's uncomfortable. So then he started having a breastmilk bottle during the night instead of formula and he had breastmilk exclusively for 6 months, because that's how it worked out for us. The thing about babies though: they like the comfort of breastfeeding during the night. They aren't usually so attached to bottle feeding. And by about a month old, the baby didn't need nourishment in the night and he had learned that if he woke up in the night there was no Mommy and no breastfeeding... and he stopped waking up. I wish I had known 5 years ago that pumping and someone else feeding a bottle during the night was an option. I was committed to breastfeeding 100%, but someone else feeding breastmilk during the night is still breastfeeding. I just didn't know it was an option.
- Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Do it at night, whenever possible. 2-4 weeks postpartum is usually the hardest time for a new mom. Don't be alone. Don't be pushing yourself to do anything. That applies for the 4th trimester in general, but around days 8-30 postpartum are often when you are the most susceptible to sleep deprivation and mood dysfunction. It is also when that precious newborn realizes he is no longer in a womb and starts to get cranky. You need to sleep. People will tell you to sleep when the baby sleeps, but girl, you are a grown-ass woman and you need to sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. Give that baby to someone else and get yourself a solid 6 hours. Alone. Uninterrupted.
- Marpac Dohm Classic. It's a natural white noise machine. It's the best white noise machine in the world. You need one for the baby. You need one for yourself. White noise machines for everyone! (Seriously. My house has 3 now).
Remember, you’re a warrior. You’re a mother. You’re a
fighter. You’re a treasure. And you are so loved.
And... sweetheart, I was serious about that laxative.
<3
<3
